Unfathomable Ways

Do you remember learning how to swim as a child? If you’re parents were anything like mine, then when you were first learning to swim they would have you hold onto the ledge (or their hands) and would then move back so you had to swim to get to them. Once you got close, they would move back again so that you had to swim farther. I think that’s what God is like. He gives us specific steps to take, specific areas where we need to trust Him at the moment. Once we take those steps or learn our lessons, then He gives us something else. He leads us on little by little, and we learn and grow as we move forward. A few years ago I would never have guessed that I would be headed where I am now. But looking back I can see how small milestones, small steps of obedience (or even disobedience) have led up to right now. Things I’ve learned about God, about life, about myself have made me stronger so that can step more confidently and move in new directions. It’s kind of crazy.

After getting back from France I felt like I didn’t really have a church home. I didn’t know many people at Cornerstone anymore, and because it was so big I didn’t like going to the services alone. In some ways it also seemed more like a business than a family to me. So I decided to try out some other places. I visited a few – some were better than others (in my view, at least), but it was hard to settle down in one. Starting this semester, I knew I needed to decide on one and stick with it. But I didn’t know which one to go to. I randomly emailed some people from the Rock and was invited to church and a lunch last weekend. So I went to Stonebrook and then hung out at a family’s house for a couple of hours that afternoon. It was great. Everyone was friendly. I met lots of people whose names I now can’t remember. I got to hang out with small children, college students, young parents, and even some older people. It felt like a family to me. So I decided to jump in with both feet. I went to English Corner tonight and met even more new people and had fun playing Life. I volunteered to help in the 2-year old Sunday school class (yes, I’m going to try working with children) so I’ll be there this Sunday. And I’m going to a Super Bowl party on Sunday. Maybe I haven’t found a church that’s a “good fit” for me. I probably have some differences when it comes to theology. But I needed to commit. I needed a place to serve and to fellowship. And I’m going to do everything I can to start that process.

But some days the old insecurities well up in me. I feel insignificant, unworthy, unloveable. Some days I make a mistake or get a poor grade and think “I’ll never get into graduate school” or “I’ll never get a job.” I need to do a better job of fighting those thoughts. Recently I’ve been just pushing them aside and continuing with my day, but it would be better to recognize them as lies and to replace them with truths. Perhaps I need to make some flashcards to carry around with me. Negative self-talk is a terrible habit to get into… sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to turn off the running commentary that goes on in my head. If I could speak and act without thinking about whether or not I’m being foolish, whether or not others will accept what I’m doing or saying. It sounds like freedom. Maybe it’s normal or maybe I have some sort of mental illness. Not sure…

In other news, Greek yogurt is amazing. Especially when topped with fruit, honey, and dark chocolate. I could eat it all day long. Mmmmmmm.

I’ve decided it’s about time I become a responsible adult. So, I’ve started budgeting my money (mint.com is a good free way start). I’m paying off my student loan. I can’t afford to pay much each month, but it’s a start. I’m also saving up for something rather large… but I’m not going to say what that is here. It will be worth it, though (if I can actually stick to the plan). I’m trying to eat healthier. Converted to vegetarianism and am also trying to cut down on things like fat, refined sugars, sodium, etc. I’m not being too picky about it. There are some days when I just need some french fries or that pumpkin bar. I’ve also been trying to work out more regularly. Yes, it may be nerdy, but I’ve been working out on my wii semi-regularly. If you’re a fitness buff or star athlete it probably would do nothing for you, but for burning a few calories and toning up a bit, it does the trick. I’ve even been keeping up on the reading for all of my classes so far. As the semester gets busier, that may become almost impossible to keep up, but I’m definitely committing to reading more than I did last semester (and skipping fewer classes as well).

Green Giant Health Blends

My internship with ACCESS has been interesting (not really) so far. I’ve been there during the day 3 days so far, and all of them have consisted of me sitting in the breakroom for 4 hours. I answer the phone every once in a while. I help a client with something every once in a while. But mostly I just sit there looking bored (the other full-timers always comment that they feel sorry for me) or I do homework. Supposedly I’m going to have projects to work on at some point… I think I just haven’t had any yet because the volunteer coordinator has been trying to get everything ready for the training which was last weekend and this coming weekend. Still, from what I’ve observed so far and what others have told me, non-profits tend to be a bit disorganized and all over the place. We’ll see how I like it by the end of the semester. But tomorrow I will actually have something to do. Woohoo!

Since I’m trying to eat healthier, yet there are some days when I don’t have much time to actually cook, I’ve been on the lookout for quick-fix meals that are still mostly good for me. The absolute best thing I’ve found so far is Green Giant frozen vegetables. Vegetables and sauce that you steam in the microwave and then eat. Quick and tastes good. The sodium content is a bit high, but when you compare it to other TV dinners or fast food, it’s definitely much better.

I’ve been meaning to post an update for about a month now, but wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to say. The thing about personal blogging is that you have to be in a certain place in your life to actually do it. If nothing really new or exciting is happening, then your posts will be boring, so you don’t blog. But if life is too busy or too crappy, you also don’t want to blog – maybe because your too busy, or maybe because everything you’d want to say would be too personal to share with God knows who.

I’ve started off this semester running. A typical week includes: 15 hours of class, 6 hours of work, 6 hours in the Psych lab, and 12 hours of internship. I’m also trying to figure out what I’m doing about a small group/Bible study, so that will had another 2-6 hours a week, depending on what type of group I join. Then add homework and friend time onto that. Don’t get me wrong, I know it could be worse. And I like being busy for the most part. Being busy makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something. But it also stresses me out quite a bit. I’m already having trouble sleeping, and we’ve only had 2 weeks of classes so far…

I’m also trying to decide what I want to do about graduation. Unless I drop a class this semester, I will only have 1 class left to take in order to graduate. I could take it this summer and be done by August. Or I could wait til the fall and graduate in December. Finding a job for August doesn’t sound all that appealing to me, but I don’t know if I want to stick around for another whole semester. I suppose I still have a couple of months before I have to decide for certain.

Things I’ve learned so far this semester:

• Yaktrax can save your life
• Creme Brulee is surprisingly easy to make
• Melatonin supplements really do help you sleep
• Whiskey sour tastes pretty good for an “old man drink”
• I do not have a green thumb
• Non-profit organizations sometimes lack the “organization” part
• The MU food court is limited on the vegetarian options…
• Reading parenting magazines just makes you sad when you’re single and prospect-less
• Giving quizzes each class period over reading is a good way to make sure I actually read.
• If I have homemade bread around, I eat it with every meal. Can’t help it.
• Ivy + slippery tile floors + laser pointer = fun for hours
• Peas are my favorite food.

• One can overhear some interesting conversations on the bus. Like last night, a couple standing behind me was having a DTR… on the bus. They were discussing whether or not they were moving too quickly because they’d only been going out for 3 weeks but they were already sleeping over at each other’s houses. They decided they weren’t moving too quickly… if you were wondering.
• I’m going to start doing some things that I’ve wanted to do. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but I really want to be proactive. So I’ve started working out more regularly, I’m going to go vegetarian (at least for a while). I want to learn to knit. I also would like to get back into some artistic endeavors. Not sure yet about what I want to do with that, whether I’ll try to do some web design or photography or start drawing again or some combination, but I miss the arts.
• If you’re around ISU and have been reading the Daily, you probably know about the whole controversy with the MU Chapel. Some people are petitioning to remove the religious symbols from the space. I think it’s sad. I love the chapel. Maybe I’m strange, but it’s always seemed like a place of peace and warmth to me. I feel like removing all of the religious symbols will make the place seem sterile and unfriendly… I agree with the guy who said that the chapel should be open to all religions (or lack thereof) and although at the moment, the symbols happen to be Christian/Jewish, instead of removing all religious symbols people should just feel free to add their  own. Why can’t there be “public” spaces set aside for religious expression without someone throwing a fit?
• I think I need to get better at choosing friends…
• I am SICK of writing papers. I have written so much this semester, it’s ridiculous. I would definitely rather have tests. Luckily, after tonight I think that all I will have left to work on are term papers/projects (which means no more writing due until December)!
• Ivy’s going in to be spayed in the morning. My poor kitten…
• I am not a morning person. I’ve been up since 5:30 and I’m dragging. But I have to write a paper before midnight so I need to get going on it… Need to focus.
• Researching graduate schools is stressful, even though I’m not even planning on applying until next fall. I’m taking the GRE next week and I’m trying to figure out what to do about recommendation letters… Technically, even though I’m a senior, this is only my 2nd semester in psychology at ISU, which means that I don’t know my psych professors very well… So I’m not exactly sure how to fix that but I’m working on it…
• I feel like writing some poetry…

• I had the food network on this morning and saw something pretty interesting… Chocolate steak, anyone?
• Volunteering was fun last night. I got to interact more with those staying in the shelter and play with some really cute kids. Being the horse that gets ridden around the room is tiring. :)
• Other than the fact that I’d only have a couple of weeks left to finish all my projects and term papers, I am so ready for Thanksgiving break. It would be nice to have a whole week off with nothing to do…
• I bought Hannah Montana multivitamins today. And I made stir fry with tofu for dinner. Small things that make me smile.
• Sometimes it feels nice to just be around someone you’ve known for a really long time. Even if you’re not really close, it’s kind of comforting.
• I decided some things this past week. Don’t know if I’ll be able to stick to them, but hopefully they’ll lead to more permanent changes in my life.

• I would say that I really need a hug, but that would be awkward and embarrassing because I don’t really have anyone around to give me one. Everyone who would normally do that has either given up that role or doesn’t live close enough to do it… but if I’m being honest, I could really use a hug…
• I really don’t like being ignored. It takes such an effort for me to trust someone enough to talk to them that it seriously hurts when that person doesn’t listen.
• I got the highest score in the class on the dumb essay midterm I took last week. That’s pretty cool. Maybe I have a chance at a couple A’s this semester after all.
• I’m excited to actually start doing some work at Network on Saturday. I get to meet one of the new counselors and the clients that I’ll be seeing every Saturday for eight weeks. And I get to do something other than sit at a desk waiting for the phone to ring and grading papers for one of the Ph.D. students.
• I’m still thinking about getting my nose pierced. Maybe with a ring actually. I think they look cool. I’m just not sure if I like how noticeable they are. The tiny studs are a lot more inconspicuous.
• It’s supposed to rain again tomorrow…
• I’m going to “As You Like It” on Thursday night for a class. I like Shakespeare…
• If anyone knows a good chicken curry recipe, let me know. I’ve been planning on making some for a few weeks now but haven’t yet. I was planning on just throwing a bunch of stuff together and hoping it tasted good.
• October is almost over. That’s weird, and slightly frightening. Not much time left in the semester and a whole lot left to do. Gonna have to start really working on term papers and final projects here pretty soon.

• I am so stressed out. I think one morning I’m just going to wake up and my body is just going to be like “I’ve had enough” and refuse to work anymore. I feel like I spend a lot of time on the verge of a panic attack, and I don’t always have a reason for it.
• You probably all know the stereotype about women drivers. I normally don’t put much faith in stereotypes, but it seems to be holding true among Cyride drivers here on campus….
• “I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano; / A stage where every man must play a part, / And mine a sad one.”
• My house is becoming infested with ladybugs. I don’t like that.
• I’m thinking about doing this after I graduate. Sounds like a cool way to spend a year. Living in community, working for a non-profit, and gaining some valuable experience and money for graduate school at the same time.
• It’s kind of funny how some things seem to evolve. I started out as a biology major, but found it wasn’t for me. So I switched to linguistics, which I loved. Then I added on a international studies major, which was interesting, but way too hard to schedule. So I switched that to psychology. And this semester I’m finding that I enjoy my psychology classes a lot more than my linguistics classes. I’ve moved from wanting to be a zookeeper to a Bible translator to an ESL teacher, and now I think I might want to be a counselor. So I have no idea what I’m going to do in the future… I know I want to work with people from other countries, probably oversees, but I’m not even 100% sure of that anymore. I could possibly work with refugees or immigrants in the states…
• I could write a lot more about what’s going on in my life and in my head, but I think it’s probably not good to post on the internet where who knows who will read it… Life is rough right now, but I don’t like to admit it (and I’m getting way better at hiding it). That’s what counts, right? People don’t want to hear about problems, they only want to hear about the fun and exciting stuff.

• Anybody want to go see The Nutcracker with me in December? I’ve never been to a ballet, but it’s one of those things I’ve always wanted to see. I’d like to go see an opera sometime as well…
• I wish I knew what I needed to do with my life. I have a dream. But it seems like it’s so far in the future. I don’t know how to get there. There’s so much I need to learn in order to be prepared for that, and mostly it’s things that I can’t learn at school. Anyone know a place where I could get a job working against human trafficking?
• I’m torn between wanting to stay in Ames to build up certain relationships and get certain experiences and wanting to be finished so I can leave and start over somewhere new. It always seems like starting over is a good thing, especially after you’ve had a bad experience in a place that you can’t seem to move past.
• I want to start keeping up with the news better. But there’s just so much of it out there and I don’t really want to devote hours to it each day. Plus, it’s so hard to tell which sources you can trust. It’s all so biased… I just want the facts; I can decide the rest for myself.

Short attention span recently means I’m having trouble putting together a well-organized, well-formed piece of writing. As a consequence, I’m using these short “mini-posts” to avoid the need for transitions. That way my writing can bounce back and forth between ideas as my mind is doing…

• I’ve been planning on graduating at the end of the summer since I’ll have a semester of scholarship left after this spring and I wouldn’t have to take as many credits next semester. I register for classes next week, however, and now I’m not so sure. I like the idea of just being done, I’m just not sure I’ll be able to find a job then.
• I hate essay tests, especially when they’re midterms, and even more especially when they’re for a class that the professor tells you about how she isn’t a very good judge of how hard she makes her tests and that last semester the whole class did poorly on it. It didn’t seem that hard, but she seems like the type that might grade you terribly.
• If I had the money, I’d buy Creative Suite Design Premium. But I don’t. So I need to do some saving. Which isn’t really my strong-suit. I’m not irresponsible with my money, but I do tend to pay my bills and then use the extra money to buy fun things rather than saving it.
• I have to get my cat spayed and I’m worried about it. Not only because it’s surgery, which is a little scary no matter what, but also because (in my experience, at least) cats tend to become fat and lazy after they’ve been spayed. I don’t want that…
• People are sometimes frustrating… or hurtful.
• I need to start going to the gym again. It’s hard to motivate myself to do it, though, since I’m pretty busy with other stuff. I get home in the evening and changing into gym clothes and going to go sweat doesn’t really sound all that inviting… maybe I’ll decide one of these days that it’s worth it.
• Some people are really insensitive. There’s a guy at work who was talking to one of the managers (who is gay) and asking all these stupid questions, like “How do you compliment a gay man? Tell him he has a nice ass?” And a couple of times my manager made a comment about something completely unrelated and the guy made a comment like, “What? Because you’re gay?” Seriously…
• I wish I could enjoy fall like I used to…

Things in my life recently:

• I’m a lot busier this semester than I was planning on. Currently I’m taking 16 credits, working 7.5 hrs/wk at the MU, working 6 hrs/wk in a psych lab, and will hopefully be starting to volunteer at ACCESS in a couple of weeks.
• I’m still trying to figure out where I want to go to church. I went to Oakwood Road a couple of weeks ago, and I met some very friendly people, but I’m not sure if the church itself would be a good fit for me. I want to check out Harvest Vinyard but I have to wait two weeks because I have ACCESS training tomorrow and next Sunday.
• I have no idea what my “ministry” should be. I don’t know if volunteering at ACCESS and trying to find a way to help at whichever church I end up going to are enough. I feel like I should be out evangelizing…
• I had an extremely awkward conversation with a coworker yesterday. He was asking if I go out to the bars often, and when I said no, he asked if I was a Christian. So that led into a conversation about Christians, dating, and sex – including such questions as: Are you a virgin? So you go as far as you can, just not the actual intercourse, right? Do Christians date? How do Christians date? And other more awkward questions. Good conversation to have with a guy you barely know…
• Training at ACCESS this weekend and next, which is a little bit stressful because of the time commitment (32 hours in 2 weekends!), but I really like so far. I’m learning a lot about domestic violence and am looking forward to actually starting to work with the women at the shelter.
• Doing research on Biblical roles of women using 3 resources so far: the Bible, Why Not Women? by Loren Cunningham (more liberal) and Biblical Foundations for Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper (more conservative). So far I think I would take a position in between the two. I don’t think the Bible lines up with the position taken by more liberal Christians like Cunningham, but I’m not sure the more conservative view is strictly Biblical either, and parts of it definitely don’t match with my experiences. I don’t want to say I’m smarter or wiser than these “giants” of the Christian faith, but I also don’t accept things just because a well-respected teacher says them… So we’ll see where I end up when it’s all said and done.
• Looking into graduate schools, which is a bit stressful. Up until a couple of weeks ago I was dead set against going to grad school. Which means I haven’t really been doing anything to prepare. So, I’ve signed up to take the GRE in the beginning of November, I’m trying to build relationships with professors/overseers so I’ll have people to give references for me, and I trying to decide which program I should do. I also haven’t ruled out the possibility of putting it off for a year and going back to France to teach English.

So those are a few of the things going on in my life right now… If you couldn’t tell, there’s a lot running through my head… a lot to do, a lot to think about, and a lot of decisions to be made. I kind of feel like a grown-up, actually. Weird.